Aage kya hoga..!!

Chattan k shikhar pe khada...neeche dekhta hun main....
Ek gehri kaali andheri khaai mujhe ghoorti hai...
Par main udna chahta hun...machalna chahta hun...
Itne arson baad fir se apne murjhaye pankhon ke niche wo hawa mehsoos ki hai...
Fir se wo taazgi mehsoos ki hai...dil main wo tarkash mehsoos ki hai...
Aage kya hoga nai pata...udunga ya andhere main kho jaunga...nai pata...

The story of my Life..!!

To be or not to be..!!!

The one question that lingers in my mind from time to time..
Should we be what we should or should we be what we are...
I wish i knew the answer or knew how to get it somehow..
I don't know whats worse..not knowing the answer
or not being able to get the question out of my head..!!

I have been on both sides or this treacherous river..
Both banks looked right when i was on it..
It was not a question of abstinence or indulgence...
it was a question or realizing my true nature..
Is it hedonistic or austere...evil or pure..

Whats this urge to switch sides which comes and goes from time to time..
Why cant i keep myself steady on one bank without looking at the other side..
Things which seemed wrong earlier ..seem right now..
and things which were fun earlier have a way of becoming foul...
we try to fight our sudden urges but seldom fail...
The question is not "why couldn't we ?"...but "should we..?"


I think about it sometimes..mostly drowning it in thoughts of something else..
There is so much confusion and so many routes..its hard to filter one out..
I thought of giving faith a try ... thinking what do i have to loose...
The path was tough and absolutely new..for a non believer fool...
I had tried it earlier but always failed..but this time i gave it all i had
And to my amazement something absolutely unexpected happened..

I found that all things happen for the greater good..
just that without faith its hard to gulp that down...
I gave it a shot and it didn't turn me down...
it helped me whenever i was about to drown...
I searched for this guardian angel all my life..
and now that i found it i dont knw whom to follow...

At the end of the day the biggest question still remains...

WHO AM I..??

Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead..!!

Lage Ki Zinda Hun Main..!!

Diye jala ke baitha hun...roshni fir bhi nai aati...

Khidki kholne ki himakat ki hi thi ...ki andhera andar aa gaya....

Is soone kamre main ek ajab sa sannata hai....

koi sannata cheerti hui cheekh hi sunayi de jaye to lage ki zinda hun main...

Roz ki zindagi ab bemani lagne lagi hai....

Kaash koi pakad ke jhinjhod hi jaye to lage ki zinda hun main..

Ragon main khoon beh beh ke paani lagne laga hai...

Koi aa ke thoda sa baha hi jaye to lage ki Zinda hun main...

Bawandaron ka saathi tha.....Is khoon main bhi wo garmi thi...

Waqt ke thapedon main bhi mastak taane jo khadi thi...

Us aag ko thanda hote mahsoos kiya hai maine...

Koi thoda sa jala hi jaye.. to lage ki Zinda hoon main..

Merei zindagi ka koi khaas fayda nai dikhta...

doosron ke liye jiye ja raha hun main...

Dil main apne toote kaanch ke tukde samete hun main...

Koi mere liye bhi jiye.. to lage ki zinda hun main..!

Aag bhujh gayi hai par angaare abhi bhi sulag rahe hain....

is neeras si raat main taare abhi bhi chamak rahe hain..

Apno ka khayal har dam dil main rehta hai.....

Koi aa ke peeth thap thapa jaye to lage ki Zinda hoon main..!!

The Things I Could Never Say

Aap aaye to hawa main bhi nasha sa cha gaya hai...

Aap aaye to is soone dil main bhi toofan sa aa gaya hai..

Aapko ek pal dekhne ki aas par hi ji rahe hain...

Appka aks mehsoos karne ke liye hi mar rahe hain...

Aapki wo madmast karne wali khushboo..

Aapke sath ki gayi wo har justjoo...

Aapki wo shararat se bhari nazren...

Aapki wo baar baar mu pe aati zulphen...

Wo saare sath bitaye varsh...

Aur aapka jhatke dene wala sparsh...

Aapka wo ruk ruk kar muskurana

Aur poochne par has kar sirf sir hilana...

Aankhen nam ho jati hain jab wo pal hume rulate hain...

Chehre par ek ajib si kasak reh raji hai jab wo pal yaad aate hain...

dil bechara wo sab fir se karna chahta hai...sunna chahta hai...

dhadakte dhadakte thak chuka...ab wo bhi kuch dhadkane laangna chahta hai...

Kaash ye duniya itni zaalim na hoti...

Ya ye kambakht dil itna darpok na hota..

Magar is dil ki dhadkan ko khud se alag kaise hone dun...

Badi mushkil se fir sunayi di hai...ise fir se ansuna kaise hone dun...!!

Jab maanga tab na mila..aur jab mila to soncha na tha...

Kya karen.. kaafi waqt se ye saali zindagi ko kisi ne roka na tha..

Ruk ruk ke chalti hai ...aaur chal chal ke rukti hai...

Par sali meri zindagi ki gaadi...kabhi seedhi nai chalti hai..!!  

Aortic Pump..!!

The places you go...the people you meet..

Leave a mark ..how much ever bleak..

Human heart is really vast...

It can accommodate a lot of past..!!

People come and people go..

But this stupid heart doesn't forgo..

time and again it keeps on stacking...

oh how i wish it loved a little slacking..!!

Piles are made ..archived and stored...

and nothing or no one is ignored..!!

All fall in this stupid heart..

A few in the right places...rest apart...

We never have to sort the people in there..

It does it automatically for all we care..!!

We never realise how these people landed where they did..

But whenever we think of someone we find them in the right grid..!!

Human heart is a major mystery...

Its vast ,complex and has a lot of history..!!

How we try to understand this vile creature..

who resides in each of us like a bad ass teacher..

who lets us fall in all the pits and pots..

giving us practical lessons which help us alot..!!

I tried to control this inhumane preacher...

But couldn't control his primal features..

It gives us pain...and gives us sorrow..

and then makes up for it by making us happy tomorrow..

Its the most worthless yet the most important thing..

there is no living with it..or without this stupid thing..

I tried to understand it but lost everytime..

But never was i sad on being defeated by a fine line..!!

I understand now the most important fact..

Somethings are better left intact...

The more i try the more lost i become.....

But one thing is for sure..i love my Aortic Pump..!!  :D

The End Result is Worth The Wait..!!

I feel happy but not content …
I feel ridiculous but still don’t resent..
I made my own way and now m stuck…
Never knew it would still be dumb luck..

Over the fence and into the Ditch..
Still no better than the previous shit..
It a patchy road with loads of bumps..
the moment u relax … u hit a bigger lump..

The patches of straight make u go fast…
but the bump in the end has the last laugh..
your body gets bruised …your vehicle is battered…
But u still keep on going as if it never mattered.

I will not fall …I will not give up…
Even if it takes a lifetime to sum up..
I might get battered ..i will get scraped..
But the end result is worth the wait..!!

Freshness Returns...

After a long stretch of rain and storm..

When the sun shines high and clears the dark clouds..

The happiness returns to a sinking mariner..

Who was ready to read his final vows.

Holding on to a plank ,the last remains of his ship..

Being pounded by the waves and crushed to a pulp..

Looking high in the heavens as the lightning tears the sky..

Trying to figure what he did to deserved such a smite.

Pretty sure of his demise his life started to flash..

Knowing he did everything for the one but still met his match..

Waiting for the dark waters to finally engulf him..

And hoping to meet the maker to finally question him.

But the one who was watching had some different plans...

After the gruesome night ,the day befalls

And the same dark waters sparked like diamonds

The same pounding waves patted his back..

The new found faith and the new found fate..

Were refreshing but a little confusing..

Taking some time to settle in his thoughts..

he finally found the reason for his miracle.

His test was over and he had survived..

The dusk of darkness was now the dawn of light..

His eyes couldn't believe and he stood there in awe..

A sandy shore and palm trees were what he saw...

Broken Again...!!! but Not Crushed..!!

I wish she knew....!!

A Sublime Chaos...

Its like a wave of molten dreams...

all washed up and intense...

Its like a stubborn and arrogant steed..

that wont understand the essence...

Soaring with the eagles..Flying with the wind...

U see a dark cloud up ahead...

lit by the strokes of lightning...

As if the devil luring you in..

Blinded by your pride you care not and jump in ....

Hit by the lightning you fall to the ground...

wings all burned up .. spirit all charred...

u try to get up but don't know how...

you gather your energy...but there ain't left much..

you had never thought the ending would be such...

Crawling on the ground you find a few sticks..

making them your crutches you pull your self up..

Not knowing which way to go ..not knowing which way u came...

u realize u had so much when u didn't care...

cursing the heavens ...cursing the cold...

you realize its only you who was at fault..

opening your eyes to a world of reality..

finally finding the ways of life..

you try to cope up with the changes..

but its just so fucking hard..

It takes some time to concur..

that you have no options left..

Wishing you had wings again wont help..

Walking on land ain't so bad..

Gathering your courage and ruffling you spirit you move on..

Eyes at the sky.. still watching that dark cloud..

U try to forget ...n try to forgive...

you thank god for the life he saved...

Watching your perseverance and your pain...

the heavens cry and the dark cloud weeps..

u hear a loud voice crystal clear even in the storm..

"Everything will be ok...dont worry..carry on!!"

You try to calm yourself and not think ...

But its hard to stop when you are on the brink.. 

A Sublime Chaos surrounds you...

heart pounding...blood racing..gut wrenching...

you take a long breath and close your eyes..

hoping when u open them ..it would be sunrise..!!

Maaa meri maaa....!!

A glimmer of Hope is all u Need..!!

Like a shiny diamond in the murky sky..

Like the tears of joy when you cry...

Like finding the safe haven in hades layer..

Like finally getting an answer to a long forgotten prayer...!!

Like finding a penny lying around on your morning walk..

Like finally finding the right key for the lock...

Like working till you bleed to earn your first pay..

Like knowing that the one you love will stay...

Being gloomy,sad,marooned and back...

It was a long and gruesome journey from the start..

But when you come to know that your efforts bore seed...

You realize ..a Glimmer of Hope is all you Need...

Like the feeling of finishing an old pending puzzle..

Like finding an old family portrait in the attic rubble...

Like choosing a way on reaching the crossroads...not knowing if you would reach you destination...

Like driving endlessly for hours in the rain..and finally reaching home forgetting your frustration....

Like waking up to a familiar face in the Morning...

Like having your hopes high even though knowing the day will be boring..

Like always keeping an old trinket with Ganesha's face ..in your Wallet ..for the charm...

But knowing that the same small old jewel will save you form all cosmic harm..    

Praying everyday for happiness and  being contentful ...

Hoping that all will be heard and the lord shall not be revengeful..  

Believing that to be happy you need not bleed...

And realizing that..a glimmer of hope is all you need...

Patience might be a virtue for the one who has..!!!

I hate to wait....and especially to wait for good things to happen is the toughest n most painful.

It takes a toll on you...slowly and slowly...and you don't even come to know that the boredom has crept inside till the bones ...starts with lazy weekends...coming late to office..missing meetings...then it aggravates to unimaginable proportions...
By the time you come to know its too late...you are skipping stuff that you always loved...doing stuff that you never found interesting...
you just dream of stuff that could happen...n begin an infinite loop of wait for it to come true without any effort..

Patience might be a virtue but apparently of what i have come to realize is that virtue is highly over rated...
its like a condom company preaching abstinence and chastity.
We all are just base mortals with temptations in the end and each one's definitions of morals is different so what is virtue then...
How can you universalize that patience is a virtue for all when we all have different moral sense.
Patience might be a virtue for the one who has....but for the one who has NOT ...its a torture beyond any other...its like asking you to follow abstinence while living in a brothel.

I want things to happen....but apparently that is not how it works..!!!

I'm sorry I'm bad..!!

A blast from the Past...

Its Weird to be Normal..!!!

I was too accustomed to being insane and weird that whenever i get a sane dream or i do a sane thing it twitches..
Being so accustomed to the world of insanity... weird thoughts...crazy dreams..psycho reactions...killer emotions..for so long ....
It almost feels unnatural to return to the world of sanity...i mean having a smile when u wake up is nice...but i am not used to it...
i always used to wake up startled remembering what piece of crazy chaos i saw in my dream last night...fighting with a sword like the piratees ...being eaten by a crocodile...seeing strange people i never knew...doing crazy wild things i cannot describe..just to name a few...
n now when i have such a normal dream that i am talking to a person i adore and we r having a good time ..n THATS IT..!!!
..no swords...no sex...no falling people...no reptiles...no strange acquaintance's...so space fantasies...ITS Weird...!!

Patience...

I dont wanna feel...

What Leads you to take a step...Motivation or Desperation...!!

Recently i realized i was doing a lot of things which i wouldn't have normally ever done...
I was taking hasty decisions which i would normally never take...!! Now i don't know is this an act of desperation or a motivated attempt at a better future..!!!
As always this cryptic mind is confused...!!.. and this time i don't know whom to blame..!!
i ponder on this question n i get mixed answers..!!!..i still dont get it...!!!
is it Motivation or Desperation

Loosing it twice..

I lost it once...n then lost it again...

Came so close n then went insane...

Loving once and then loving again...

losing all to a secret pain...

Having shattered once and then brought down again...

loosing everything to some unknown face...

Not just loosing my heart but everything i ever wished for....

Not just my heart but even my confidence ...pounded to the floor

Having lost what i so eagerly waited for...

and loosing it even before i had a chance to the core..

Realising that sometimes even crying is of no use..

Realising that sometimes u have no one to rely on for a que..

just swolloing ur tears and keeping it in...

cant even hope that time will make things settle in...

Not knowing what the future has in store for me next...

just hope its not a similar heart wrenching test...

Happiness ..why cant i keep you..!!

Happiness is a scarcity... at least for me it is...i have always come so close to it that i could feel it...
but as soon as i decided to grab it ...it ran like a crazy bitch..!!
earlier i used to run after the bitch...used to make a lot of effort before being disappointed and disheartened...but now i just can't find a reason to run after it like before....
what happened to me is still unknown...how could something change me so much that i transformed into a completely different person...
I never believed that anything could change me so much...after all i was a smart brat who always got his way...!!
understanding the harsh realities of life is one thing but not being able to get that one thing that u wanted so much even after trying your heart out....Now that Stinks..!!
i know and often people tell me there is no use crying over spilled milk.. but what if i wanted to back in time and stop it from spilling...would you do so or still let it be spilled ....
Somehow i am loosing everyone i ever truly loved...sometimes physically ...or else emotionally...
I mean i agree i haven't been the perfect son....or the perfect boyfriend.... but was it that bad ....!!
i tried a lot to make myself believe that time will heal everything and that it will show me the way...but now i am not sure if my time runs a little late but i cant wait no more...
Why does everyone move on... n why the hell am i stuck ..!!!
the pressure is too heavy for me to handle...i ain't that strong....i want to share it with someone..!!!
N not finding that confidant in the person u loved is more painful that n kick in the crotch..!!!

Mr Lonely....;

How i wish i had someone to succumb ...

How i wish i had someone when i got numb..

How i crave for a familiar touch..

How i wish i had whom i loved...

Knowing her in a way where u r left speechless at sometimes..

Falling short of faking your smiles at times...

Its not just that my heart beats for her every request..

What sucks is that she would never know about this painful test..

Being so similar and yet staying so aloof...

Not being able to show my love's proof...

Knowing that she might never be mine...

And that "miss you" for her may just be a line..

Having your hands tied yet not wanting to let go...

But still maintaining a poker face not to show..

Small little hopes lighting up for what might be in store..

And then suddenly being reminded that she will never be yours...

How i wish i could make her believe...

How i wish i knew how to reveal..

How i wish life was a smoother ride..

How i wish i had her by my side..

Laptop Repair...!!

Just had an idea to open up my laptop and clean the insides... since it had started getting really hot..
started by opening the outer screws ... then the inner screws...n then the screws which couldn't be seen by naked eyes... we did em all n by time we opened almost opened we realized that none of us had an idea as to which screw went back where... so i was shit scared if it will ever run again... but finally after 2 tiresome hours of screwing..... we got it back together... almost similar to what it previously was.. well most of it... just found a few parts about which didn't know what to do....
I somehow being the psycho i am can relate this to life...its just like a laptop repair...in order to overcome some problems causing excessive heat n unrest u need to look deep within...open up all the parts and find the source... n trust me ...when u do so...even though the situation may look entirely hopeless or waste of effort but u do make it through it and to top it all u come out with better results....
u might find a few things in you which you could do without...so let them remain out.. c the change in you....you are repaired..!!!

I Would Understand...

I would Understaaaand....!!!

Poker Face..!!

Carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders..

Not just the pebbles but even the boulders..

I came to the opening of a tunnel..dark and grim..

The excessive weight filled up to the brim.. 

So many eyes staring at me...

So may people glaring at me..

All eyes filled with sparks of hope..

Everyone hanging on to the rope..

All and everyone i know calling out my name..

Patting my back and adding more weight to the game..

No one trying to understand how much it weigh..

No one bothered to stop and hear my say..

Seeing in me their aspirations...

Not caring about my perspirations..

All eyes stuck on to my success express..

Cant even stop for a short recess...

People have a habit of forcing down their dreams...

Screwing with the free will till it turns so lean...

So many stares..so many hopes...so many prayers so i win the race..

I wish i was a better actor but it ain't easy maintaining a Poker Face.

Marooned in the Meadows...

i did what they told me...

i worked what they asked me..

i went where they wanted me..

i sat where they needed me...

i cried when they comforted me..

i moaned when they hurt me..

i ran when they followed me..

i hid when they saw me..

i cracked when they trampled me..

i dropped when they shot me..

i burned when they disdained me..

i froze when they ignored me..

i skewed when they confronted me..

i bowed when they burdened me..

i stayed anonymous when they called me..

i shouted when they overlooked me..

i grew when they pushed me..

i fell when they picked me..

i flew when they crippled me..

i toppled when they supported me..

i couldn't find what they asked me..

i couldn't understand what they told me..

i was lost when they found me..

i was saved when they accepted me..

Crapentine's Day....

Bringing a little history to perspective...just like on the D day the Christ will fight the Anti Christ and all thats evil will be destroyed...

Similar is the V day... for on this day was the beast born....a half blood...demi god.. born when the "Shoe of Hermes" was shoved up Robert Pattison's ass. The gruesome historic event almost killed Robert Pattison leaving him pale and ghastly for the rest of his life.. The beast flies over the heads of mere mortals changing shape and form to remain invisible and appear innocent..

He chooses his prey carefully..lures him in a place where he can devour him and then takes out his gas propelled Arrow gun which fires 150 rounds per minute. Its a weapon of gigantic proportions and unimaginable power..causing a painful and a very slow death which is self induced by mortals as the beast was cursed that he couldn't kill any one directly.

The beast flaps his wings but not even a leaf ruffles...the silence is eerie and scary but mortals have no clue about any of this in their realm. They carry on their pointless venture of finding mates as the mating season comes close...Carrying on with their minuscule lives knowing not that the beast watches over them to fall in his trap.

As the beast can only fire the weapon when the person is at its most vulnerable and lets his guard down. Staying hungry for many fortnights the beast waited for the V day to come as its only on this day that the beast powers up his weapon to full power..devouring thousands of souls in the blink of an eye. The minions of the beast take the form of Hallmark and Archie's shopkeepers bringing in the food for the beast who rewards them with riches.

As soon a prey enter the work places of these minions his fate is sealed. He is doomed.

The ironical part of this whole evil plan is that the pray has no clue about anything .Only the thought of his mate goes through his head and how it would react on receiving the gift of doom.

And this illusion drives the prey to unimaginable extents in search of "true happiness" , another very clever illusion created my the beast's minions in the media and film industry.

The prey doest exactly what the beast wants it to do knowing not that all his moves are being controlled and monitored.

Then comes the climax....at the time the prey confronts his mate , offering the gift of doom the beast pulls the trigger... the arrows are directioned straight towards the heart so as to prevent any misses... as soon as the arrow strikes the heart the "Timer to Doom" is started which ends in Unholy Matrimony... a time when the prey looses all his will to survive and finally gives in to the will of the beast..The beast then devours the prey till his soul is freed from his mortal body..

But the beast has another trick up his sleeve... his most dangerous minions..."the PANDIT's" , who are favorites of the beast , make sure that even if the prey realises his blunder and tries to change it in his next life.. he is still bound to that mistake for 7 more years... during which the beast shall enjoy devouring him again and again ..till the beast gets bored of the bland taste.. and wants it fresh..

The Most disturbing thought is that we mortals know of this beast but we still tend to ignore him or adore him him in a much more innocent form... we call him - The CUPID...

No one has ever survived to tell this tale....so if i fall his prey .. i want the others to know that i tried... but the beast was too powerfull