I dont wanna feel...

What Leads you to take a step...Motivation or Desperation...!!

Recently i realized i was doing a lot of things which i wouldn't have normally ever done...
I was taking hasty decisions which i would normally never take...!! Now i don't know is this an act of desperation or a motivated attempt at a better future..!!!
As always this cryptic mind is confused...!!.. and this time i don't know whom to blame..!!
i ponder on this question n i get mixed answers..!!!..i still dont get it...!!!
is it Motivation or Desperation

Loosing it twice..

I lost it once...n then lost it again...

Came so close n then went insane...

Loving once and then loving again...

losing all to a secret pain...

Having shattered once and then brought down again...

loosing everything to some unknown face...

Not just loosing my heart but everything i ever wished for....

Not just my heart but even my confidence ...pounded to the floor

Having lost what i so eagerly waited for...

and loosing it even before i had a chance to the core..

Realising that sometimes even crying is of no use..

Realising that sometimes u have no one to rely on for a que..

just swolloing ur tears and keeping it in...

cant even hope that time will make things settle in...

Not knowing what the future has in store for me next...

just hope its not a similar heart wrenching test...

Happiness ..why cant i keep you..!!

Happiness is a scarcity... at least for me it is...i have always come so close to it that i could feel it...
but as soon as i decided to grab it ...it ran like a crazy bitch..!!
earlier i used to run after the bitch...used to make a lot of effort before being disappointed and disheartened...but now i just can't find a reason to run after it like before....
what happened to me is still unknown...how could something change me so much that i transformed into a completely different person...
I never believed that anything could change me so much...after all i was a smart brat who always got his way...!!
understanding the harsh realities of life is one thing but not being able to get that one thing that u wanted so much even after trying your heart out....Now that Stinks..!!
i know and often people tell me there is no use crying over spilled milk.. but what if i wanted to back in time and stop it from spilling...would you do so or still let it be spilled ....
Somehow i am loosing everyone i ever truly loved...sometimes physically ...or else emotionally...
I mean i agree i haven't been the perfect son....or the perfect boyfriend.... but was it that bad ....!!
i tried a lot to make myself believe that time will heal everything and that it will show me the way...but now i am not sure if my time runs a little late but i cant wait no more...
Why does everyone move on... n why the hell am i stuck ..!!!
the pressure is too heavy for me to handle...i ain't that strong....i want to share it with someone..!!!
N not finding that confidant in the person u loved is more painful that n kick in the crotch..!!!

Mr Lonely....;

How i wish i had someone to succumb ...

How i wish i had someone when i got numb..

How i crave for a familiar touch..

How i wish i had whom i loved...

Knowing her in a way where u r left speechless at sometimes..

Falling short of faking your smiles at times...

Its not just that my heart beats for her every request..

What sucks is that she would never know about this painful test..

Being so similar and yet staying so aloof...

Not being able to show my love's proof...

Knowing that she might never be mine...

And that "miss you" for her may just be a line..

Having your hands tied yet not wanting to let go...

But still maintaining a poker face not to show..

Small little hopes lighting up for what might be in store..

And then suddenly being reminded that she will never be yours...

How i wish i could make her believe...

How i wish i knew how to reveal..

How i wish life was a smoother ride..

How i wish i had her by my side..